Church jokes xD

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her 
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband 
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. 
What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. 
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will 
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a 
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, 
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate 
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the 
hatpin.  

"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning 
towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the 
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, 
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to 
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
  
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore 
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that 
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off 
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"

Little boy into politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and 
see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you 
think politics is all about". 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the 
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are 
being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

New Bride xD

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous. 

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good 
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."  So up she went. 
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his 
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest." 

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy 
chests.  Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took 
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs 
to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs, too!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his 
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria 
saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "this is a job 
for Mama!"

The young conductor

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.  

She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All you sons of 
b****es who want to get off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is 
the last stop!  And, all you sons of b****es who are returning and 
want to get on, get your a**es on the train now cause we're going 
down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house.  Now go to your room and 
stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may go back and 
play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed 
playing with his train.  Soon, the train stopped and the mother 
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, 
please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank 
you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat.  Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b**ch in the kitchen."

STOP BEING LAZY

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep. 

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on 
the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, 
"Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the 
sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping 
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm 
still very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened.  Let's pretend we're married."

The nun purred, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!"

How scary can you be?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their 
lives, their families, etc.
 
Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, 
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away 
from Evil Incarnate.
 
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
 
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
 
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
 
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
 
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
 
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad 
could you be?"

The morale of the story

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the
class to go home, think of a story, then reach a conclusion as
to the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to
tell their story.  Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we loaded the chicken eggs on the truck and
drove into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we 
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto 
the road."

The teacher asks Suzy what the moral of her story was.

Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Lucy.  "Well my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher once again asks what the moral of her story was.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Next was little Billy.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War,
and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a
machete.  On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers."  

"He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he 
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his 
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked in shock at Billy and asked if there is any
possibility of a moral to his story.  

Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."