Church jokes xD

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her 
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem -- my husband 
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. 
What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. 
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will 
nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a 
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, 
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate 
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the 
hatpin.  

"Yes, you are right, my son," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning 
towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the 
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, 
he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to 
bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
  
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore 
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that 
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off 
and shove it up your ass!!!!!"

Little boy into politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your
baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and 
see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." 

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you 
think politics is all about". 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the 
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are 
being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

New Bride xD

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous. 

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good 
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."  So up she went. 
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his 
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama, Tony's
got a big hairy chest." 

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy 
chests.  Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took 
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs 
to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs, too!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." 

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his 
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria 
saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "this is a job 
for Mama!"

The young conductor

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.  

She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All you sons of 
b****es who want to get off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is 
the last stop!  And, all you sons of b****es who are returning and 
want to get on, get your a**es on the train now cause we're going 
down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house.  Now go to your room and 
stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you may go back and 
play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed 
playing with his train.  Soon, the train stopped and the mother 
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, 
please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  We thank 
you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat.  Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b**ch in the kitchen."

STOP BEING LAZY

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they
came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep. 

There was a stack of blankets in the corner and a sleeping bag on 
the floor but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, 
"Sister, you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the 
sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said, "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the sleeping 
bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started
to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm 
still very cold."  He unzipped the bag, got up again, put
another blanket on her and got into his sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what
happened.  Let's pretend we're married."

The nun purred, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled back, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!"

How scary can you be?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their 
lives, their families, etc.
 
Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, 
trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away 
from Evil Incarnate.
 
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
 
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
 
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
 
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
 
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
 
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad 
could you be?"

The morale of the story

One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the
class to go home, think of a story, then reach a conclusion as
to the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to
tell their story.  Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we loaded the chicken eggs on the truck and
drove into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we 
hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto 
the road."

The teacher asks Suzy what the moral of her story was.

Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Lucy.  "Well my dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher once again asks what the moral of her story was.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Next was little Billy.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War,
and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a
machete.  On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately,
he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers."  

"He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he 
pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his 
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked in shock at Billy and asked if there is any
possibility of a moral to his story.  

Billy replied, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Trololollolol

Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.
It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a
condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke. 

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it 
that you put over your cigarette?" 
Two elderly ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.
It started to rain, so one lady reached into her purse, took out a
condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and
continued to smoke. 

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it 
that you put over your cigarette?" 

The first old lady said, "It's a condom." 

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that she could
purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two ladies arrived
downtown, the lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy 
and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacists said 
he did, but was a little surprised that this elderly woman was 
interested in condoms, so he asked her, 

"What size do you want?"

The lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

The vegetable garden xD

Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired about his secret.  

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained, "Twice each 
day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front 
of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and 
proceeded to expose herself to her tomato plants, twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her
progress."So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my
cucumbers!!"

I can't stop laughing xD

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and 
bring me back a sample of your sperm tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office 
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, 
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. 
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. 

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, 
but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her 
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still 
nothing. 

"Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with 
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we just
couldn't get the damn jar open!"

The differences between irritation, aggravation, and frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between 

irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
    
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the 
phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
     
"There's no one named Alf here."  The person hangs up.
    
"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for 
Alf a second time.
    
"No -- there's no one here named Alf. You have the wrong number.
If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of 
conversation.

"That's aggravation."
    
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.
    
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf.  Have I received any phone calls?"

Where did he go?

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the
store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird,
but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying 
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This
piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about 
buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever 
comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys 
the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him?  Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

um... I think its pronounced Quiche

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are
gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he 
was ready to order, 
  
"What would you like, sir?" 
   
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to 
bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
   
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. 
   
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, 
"What would you like, sir?"
   
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, 
"A quickie, please."
   
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him 
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
   
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, 
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"

Oh kids xD

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees 

about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed 
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's 
whisper, "Hello?"
 
Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a 
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"
 
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
 
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
 
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
 
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy 
there?"
 
"Yes," came the answer.
 
"May I talk with her?"
 
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
 
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left 
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with 
the person who should be there watching over the child.
 
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
 
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
 
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the 
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
 
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
 
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
 
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered
 answer.
 
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,  
"What is that noise?"
 
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
 
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
 
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team 
just landed the hello-copper!"
 
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"
 
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled 
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

A driver licences tells you all that you need to know

An inquisitive young boy is talking to his mother.

"Mommy, how old are you?"

"Oh, that's quite personal, son, and besides it's not polite to 
ask a woman her age."

"Ok, mommy, then tell me, um, how much do you weigh?"

"Well, I can't tell you that either, a woman's weight is a secret."

The boy was getting a bit frustrated by now.  "If you can't tell 
me that, can you tell me why you and Daddy split up?"

"Someday I'll explain it to you but it's all quite complicated 
and I don't think you'd understand."

The boy wandered off unfulfilled but kept all of this in the back 
of his mind.  The next day in school, he was talking to one of his 
school chums and was told to look at his mom's driver's license.  
That would have all of his answers.

So very early the next morning he snuck into her wallet and looked 
at her driver's license.  When she awoke, he said, "I know how old 
you are!"

She said, "You do?  How old am I?"

"You're 31.  And I know how much you weigh, too!"

"Oh," she said, getting curious, "how much is that?"

"You weigh 126.  And I even know why Daddy left!"

She was really curious now. "Why was that, son?"

"It's because you got an F in sex!"

Make a woman feel like a woman

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible
storm.  The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. 
The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to 
crash and they are all going to die.
  
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, 
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an 
animal, strapped to a chair. If I am going to die, let me die 
feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me 
feel like a woman?"
   
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to 
walk up to her seat. As he approachs her, he takes off his shirt. 
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the 
plane.
  
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, 
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you 
interested?"
  
She shakes her head yes.
  
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here, iron this."

A good excuse

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving 
above the speed limit.  He notices a police car with its red 
lights on in his rear view mirror.  

He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is 
on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles 
an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures 
he can't outrun the cop and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.
 
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. 
He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day,
and I just want to go home.  Give me a good excuse and I'll let 
you go." 

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife 
ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear 
view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying 
to give her back to me!  

The Creation of Woman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same 
neighborhood.
  
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by 
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a big gift envelope.
  
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
  
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific 
fishing lures.

This went on all day long as he was well-known and well-liked 
throughout his beat.
  
He was nearly at the last house when he was met at the door by a 
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him 
by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed 
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she 
blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever 
experienced.
  
The next morning, he went downstairs, where she fixed him 
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she 
poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he 
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
  
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar bill for?"
  
"Well," she said, "a couple of days ago, I told my husband that yesterday
would be your last day, and that we should do something special 
for you.  I asked him what to give you."

"He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."  
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

The breakfast was my idea

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same 
neighborhood.
  
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by 
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a big gift envelope.
  
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
  
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific 
fishing lures.

This went on all day long as he was well-known and well-liked 
throughout his beat.
  
He was nearly at the last house when he was met at the door by a 
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him 
by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed 
behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she 
blew his mind with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever 
experienced.
  
The next morning, he went downstairs, where she fixed him 
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she 
poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he 
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
  
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar bill for?"
  
"Well," she said, "a couple of days ago, I told my husband that yesterday
would be your last day, and that we should do something special 
for you.  I asked him what to give you."

"He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."  
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

uhhh is this 555-4821

A guy dials home from work.  A strange woman answers.
 
The guy says, "Who is this?"
 
"This is the maid." answered the woman.
 
"We don't have a maid!"
 
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
 
"Well, this is her husband.  Is she there?"
 
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just 

figured was her husband."
 
The guy is fuming.  He says to the maid, "Listen, would you 
like to make $50,000?"
 
"Sure, what do I have to do?"
 
"Get the shotgun out of the hall closet, go upstairs and shoot 
that unfaithful witch and the jerk she's with."
 
The maid puts down the phone.  The guy hears footsteps, followed 
by a couple of gunshots.
 
The maid comes back to the phone.  "What should I do with the 
bodies?"
 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
 
"What pool?"
 
"Uh...is this 555-4821?"

Scoreeeee

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his 
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house. 
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.

Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but 
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window 
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor. 

Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to 
apologize for breaking his window and the vase. 

The man inside the house says, "No, don't apologize, I am a genie 
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have 
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three 
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would 
like to keep one for myself."

He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and 
said, "I wish for a million dollars." 

The genie waves his hand and said, "A million dollars, it's yours, 
it has been deposited into your bank account."

He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, "I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii." 

The genie waves his hand and says, "A condominium in Hawaii, it's 
yours." The genie continues, "Now it is my turn." He thinks for 
awhile and says, "You know its been 10,000 years since I have had 
a woman, could I make love to your wife?"

The man thinks for a while and says, "Honey, he gave us a million 
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is 
make love to him." 

She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.

After making passionate love, the woman says, "I can't believe 
that my husband let you do this to me." 

The genie says, "And I can't believe that your husband still 
believes in genies."

What a smart old lady

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America
one day, carrying a large bag of money.  She insisted that she must 
speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account 
because, "It's a lot of money!" 

The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here
and expect to see the president of the Bank of America.  He's a 
very busy man."

"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old
woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then 
walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said,
"You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered 
her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man
behind a great oaken desk.  The bank president stood up and 
asked,  "How can I help you?"
 
She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed 
the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.

"$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag 
onto his desk. 

The President was suprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, 
especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by 
this kind of money?"   

The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets."

Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?"  

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that 
your balls are square." 

"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, 
my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me.  In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, 
I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one.  "You've got 
yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of 
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. 
as a witness?" 

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent 
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from 
side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out 
until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were 
square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady 
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.  She introduced 
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says 
the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him 
to drop his pants so they could all see.  The president complied. 
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if 
she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking
to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay."
He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you 
should be absolutely sure."  

As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed 
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with 
your lawyer?"

The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that 
at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the
Bank of America in my hands."

xD

a man has 3 daughters, and he is very protective of them. so one night all of them have a date. the first man comes up at the door to ask for his date.
"hi, my name is eddie, i am here for bettie, and we will eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
the father says ok and lets them go. the second guy comes up for his date.
"hi, my name is joe, i am here for flo, we will see a show, is she ready to go?
the father again says ok and lets them leave the house.
the third guy comes up
" hi, my name is chuck."
the father shot him :P

For the dirty people xD

There's a 5 year old boy and a five year old girl they friends. 

The boy goes up to his dad and says "whats this" pointing to d**k and balls. His dad says its "tractor and wheels."

The girl goes up to her mum and says "whats this" pointing to her v****A. er mum says its a "tunnel" 

The girls mum heard screaming and runs to the bathroom . There's blood everywhere and both the kids are on the floor naked. 

"Mum he tried to put his tractor and wheels through my tunnel but i didn't want him to so i puled his wheels of! "

Hope this makes you laugh kinda dirty like the title xD

A funny story

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without!!!.'''

xD